September 2014

We'll Always Have Lunch

Broiled Chicken, Gallows Humor on Menu at Yale Club
Pizzaraelli Does Us Proud

Debuts songs; Kills as Carnac

In his guise as Carnac the Magnificent, Jazz Great John Pizzarelli incredibly discerned the content of sealed envelopes he had never before seen! Among his coups were:

Carnac:"Downward facing dog, reverse cowgirl, catcher"
Envelope:Three positions the Sox didn't ask Brock Holt to assume in 2014
C:"Weeks, Betts, Pedroia, Holt and Peter Dinklage"
E: Five guys who can't ride the roller coaster at Six Flags-New England
C:"Ces Pay-Days "
E:The length of the longest contract the Red Sox intend to offer this winter

John also debuted a series of new songs suitable for the Sox' new standing in the American League. One, to the tune of Harold Arlen's Get Happy, included this:

It’s stunning it’s our Red Sox
That everybody beats.
But it’s made it sa-fer
In the Monster Seats.

Forget your troubles, c’mon get happy.
The Red Sox gave it all they had.
And for one thing we can be thankful,
The Yanks were every bit as bad.

Cole Porter's Anything Goes was reworked as Everyone Goes, excerpted below:

I must admit this year
If they’d hit this year
If they hadn’t spit the bit this year
If the results were opposite this year,
Then the roster would have froze.

What did they get for Andrew Miller?
The draft rights to Jerry Stiller...
And Axl Rose.
Everyone goes.

The purging started with Pierzynski
Who had the charm of Klaus Kinski
And bounced his throws,
Everyone goes.

They will compile their picks
And stockpile their picks.
And they’ll tout their picks,
Talk about their picks
They will mold their picks
The Sox will hold their picks,
Until the Marlins’ banks foreclose.

This better bring Giancarlo Stanton
Not a cheap season of Joe Blanton...
And elbow woes,
Everyone goes!

Dr. Charles Delivers

Details state of team, says Sox knew they were rolling the dice with rookies

Red Sox EVP Dr. Charles Steinberg answered a barrage of questions with aplomb, and generally delivered a calming message from Yawkey Way. Among other things, he recounted how Sox GM Ben Cherington had cautioned before the season's start that reliance of three rookies or near-rookies in the starting lineup (namely Middlebrooks, Bradley and Bogaerts) could prove problematic. He also described in general terms the preparations the team is making for what will almost certainly be Derek Jeter's final professional game at Fenway on the last weekend in September.

In closing, Dr. Steinberg expressed some perplexity about the BLOHARDS' despondence over this year's performance. He reminded us of our jubilation at last year's trophy party over the Sox' ascendance from worst to first, and the general consensus that it would be fun to "do it all again". In an attempt to accomodate us, the Sox thus embarked on a relentless drive for last place in the AL East. The BLOHARDS would like to apologize for our imprecision in not having requested a "worst-to-first-to-first-again" season and resolve to do better in the future.

Cosgriff Stands By With Towels and Hot Water

Joe Cosgriff, the BLOHARDS' VP for Legal Affairs and Creditor Relations, delivered some guffaw-eliciting opening remarks. Commenting on the Sox' website, Joe noted that it was the only place on earth where you could find three consecutive W's alongside the words "Red Sox." Joe also reported that the Sox accepted the Ice Bucket Challenge but, unfortunately, lost to the Ice Buckets 4-1. When asked by perhaps-not-well-meaning people whether he is disappointed by the Sox' 2014 season, Joe said that he responds that it's tough be be too disappointed, "when seven of our members haven't made it home yet from our World Series Trophy party last November."

You're gonna want to rest up in March...

With the Sox season opener scheduled for nearby Philly on Monday, April 6, Red Sox Nation NY Governor Chris Wertz is already looking into organizing a bus trip to the game. The Olde Towne Team then takes Amtrak to Gotham for a weekend set against the Yanks, during which visit we've scheduled our first luncheon of the year for Friday, April 10. Three short days later, we'll be on the bus to Fenway for the April 13th home opener vs. the Washington Nationals. And with the Sox visiting the Mets at Citi Field over the August 28-30 weekend, we may have to do something about that, too.

It promises to be a busy season. Maybe a good opportunity to cut ties with all non-essential "friends" and family members? Just saying...
Slide Show Slides Home Safely

The Ray Duffy-narrated Henry Berry Memorial Slideshow took a lemon of a season and did its best to ac-cen-tuate the positive. Among the highlights:

oA.J. Pierzynski was described as being not well-liked, "especially when 'light-hitting' was added to the already-unflattering adjectives describing his catching, throwing and personality;"
oThe end of the Kelly Johnson era, notable principally for its uncharacteristically cool August evenings, was lamented;
oWho wouldn't like a joke that begins; " So a horse walks into Aybar..."
oBrian Cashman was described as justifying his recent signing of Warren G. Harding notwithstanding his demise in 1923 by saying: "John Sterling said he used to babysit for him and that he had a live arm. And besides, the kid’s younger than Kuroda.”
oContinuing that theme, Ray noted that next year's Yankees roster, featuring CC Sabbathia, Alex Rodriguez, Hiroki Kuroda, Ichiro and Carlos Beltran, "has all the pieces in place to win the 2002 AL East.”
oRay took a few minutes to acknowledge the passing of both Don Zimmer and Tony Gwynn as they joined the Expansion Team in the Sky.
oLastly, Duffy exhorted us to enjoy the team’s final month as “defending World Series champions” and remind ourselves of the great things about being a Sox fan, even in those occasional years when there aren’t world championships to celebrate.

Browne, Madden Explicate

The BLOHARDS enjoyed what the Germans refer to as a sportswriterüberfülle at lunch. beat reporter Ian Browne spoke briefly on the state of the Sox and at greater length about his book "Idiots Revisited: Catching Up with the Red Sox Who Won the 2004 World Series", (about which Charles Steinberg incidentally raved "It's a great book and I look forward to reading it"). Ian talked about his "craziest Manny story," about how Orlando Cabrera saved the 2004 season, and about how Derek Lowe was the most forthcoming player he interviewed for the book.

Longtime Daily News sportswriter Bill Madden talked about his recently written play "STEINBRENNER!" which he co-wrote with Ira Berkow, a reading of which had just been held on the previous afternoon. Madden also gave a brief and grim assessment of the Yanks, and offered a much more optimistic take on the Sox' future. He subsequently wrote a nice bit about us in his column in last Sunday's paper. He's welcome back any time.

Triva Meister (or as the Germans would call him, triviameister) John Quinn did a set of 2004 Sox-themed trivia in honor of Browne's book, which was offered as a prize. In his capacity as New York's Lieutenant Governor of Red Sox Nation, Quinn stood in for the absent Governor Wertz and, in a bit of Panglossian gymnastics, pronounced the state of the nation to be "good".

As it happened, Wertz' absence was propitious since New Jersey RSN governor Scot Bennett did attend lunch, and the security risks posed by having both governors in the same room at the same time would have been, to put it mildly, unacceptable.

Radio Host Ed Randall discussed his charity - Ed Randall's Fans for the Cure - which conducted free prostate cancer screening for hundreds of men at Yankee Stadium before the 9/4 game. Ed and the charity have also provided screening at more than 200 minor league stadia over the organization's life. Ed will be happy to tell you more if you drop him a line.

Jack Cunic has a pair of tickets to the September 23 game v. the Rays. He'll give you a good deal on them, which you might want to leap at inasmuch as that will represent the last series at Fenway before Derek Jeter's last series at Fenway.