September 2013

First to the Dinner Table, First in the League.

BLOHARDS lunch like champions.
Rodriguez Mentioned in Slideshow

Highlights of the Ray Duffy-narrated Henry Berry Memorial Slide Show included:
  • The observation that the Jayson Nix, David Adams, Chris Nelson platoon that filled in for A-Rod during his absence had put up a collective on-base percentage of "not today";
  • An encomium to Dodgers announcer Vin Scully, back for another year in 2014. It was noted that Vin has called a game managed by someone born in 1862 - Connie Mack, and another that featured a player born in 1992 - Bryce Harper;
  • The announcement of the highly-contested "Horse's Ass Award": Plans to bestow this award on the richly deserving Alex Rodriguez were stymied by a luncheon's eve letter from A-Rod's attorney asserting that the BLOHARDS were "estopped" from honoing the Yankee third baseman pending the outcome of his appeal of MLB's 211 game suspension. Faced with the threat of litigation by a lawyer who knew bigger words than they did, the BLOHARDS blinked, bestowing the HAA instead on Brewer PED dabbler and pants-on-fire prevaricator Ryan Braun, who had in any event built a strong case for the award;
  • Pending a November victory in the New york City mayoral election by unabashed Sox fan Bill deBlasio, Duffy reported that the BLOHARDs were salivating over an anticipated feast of patronage in coming years. Among the items on the organization's agenda: improved security for our membership at Yankee Stadium and an extension of the #7 train to Fenway Park;
  • Each having been "drafted" by the "Great Expansion Team in the Sky", former Sox Frank Castillo and George "Boomer" Scott were memorialized;

Wertz On State of Nation
Chris Wertz, New York Governor for Red Sox Nation, pronounced the state of the nation to be good. Equating prospects for the 2013 season with the prospect of a toilet breakdown on the BLOHARDS #1 Opening Day bus, Wertz went on to revel in how well things have actually turned out. An examination of the Sox' longtime rivals found their state to be less good. Wertz bemoaned the likelihood that the Yankees will be unburdened of their obligations to their highest-paid player simply because that player has proven to be a lying cheater. Quoth Wertz: "For the Red Sox, losing Alex Rodriguez would be like Colonel Hogan losing Sgt. Schultz. The war is not over yet. We need him."

Commenting on the tit-for-tat arms race that is the Sox-Yanks rivalry Wertz said: "When Captain Derek Jeter re-returned to the NY lineup, the Red Sox did not take it sitting down. They countered by signing their own 38 year-old no-hit, no-glove shortstop - John McDonald."

Randall Gets All Religious
Ed Randall's remarks veered in an unexpectedly theological direction. Randall noted that St. Paul was forever writing to the Ephesians, the Galatians and the Corinthians, but that they never wrote back. He also attributed the Cubs' shortcomings in recent centuries to their having been told by Jesus: "Don't do anything until I get back." On a more secular note, he recounted a conversation he'd had in the Yankee locker room with Robinson Cano whose contract is up this year. Cano evidently allowed as how, once his playing days were over, he was considering jogging for office.

Ed also said some stuff about prostates and cancer. We're pretty sure he was in favor of one of those things and against the other, but it's kind of hazy. You can probably find out more here.

Good Crowd has Good Time at the Yale Club

Deprived of the company of a Red Sox travelling party (at 40, the roster was evidently stretched too thin to accomodate us) and traditional headliner John Pizzarelli, ("gigs in Montana", which is a euphemism if we've ever heard one), it was all hands on deck as the BLOHARD "brain trust" struggled to entertain and inform a crowd conservatively estimated at 130 on September 9.

Happy Lunchers
Fortunately, on the heels of Thursday night's stirring win, the task was easier than a clutch at bat against Joba Chamberlain. The crowd which greeted BLOHARD Assistant to the Assistant VP - Latin American Scouting (ex Venezuela), Joe Cosgriff would have whooped for Mike Torrez. For Cosgriff they spoke in tongues. In his opening remarks, Cosgriff commended the Trenton Thunder's erstwhile third baseman, saying: "You have to admire A-Rod's love of the game. Why, you could almost say that baseball is in his blood." Regarding Ryan Braun's now-discredited claims that his urine sample handler had been motivated by anti-Semitism to tamper with the sample, Joe noted that the handler had recently changed his Facebook status to "Plaintiff". Following a few other observations on A-Rod and the relative states of the Sox and Yanks (if your want the whole routine, come to lunch), Cosgriff left the dais to rapturous applause.

Collery goes on and on about some damn thing

So desperately short of material was the luncheon program that BLOHARD VP - Electronic Media and Subsidiary Rights, Peter Collery was called on to, more or less, extemporize. Predictably, he bombed. As near as anybody can recall, he talked about the prior night's triumph, and the satisfaction he took in observing his Yankee-loving neighbor at the game go through the five stages of grief, specifically:

  • Muttering when Mo blew the save in the ninth;
  • Gnashing of teeth when Soriano got picked off base twice in one inning;
  • Rending of garments when Joba was announced;
  • Swallowing of the tongue on a possible blown third strike call by umpire Joe West on a pitch from Chamberlain to Shane Victorino;
  • Ritual suicide on Victorino's subsequent game winning hit;

  • Collery may also have noted that the Yankees, of all people, should understand that you can't win in the major leagues without a reliable closer. If so, his comment went unremarked by a then-slumbering audience.

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    Flavin Offers Wisdom For the Ages

    Under no circumstances, ever, give the mic to a Munchkin.

    Sox PA announcer and de-facto poet laureate Dick Flavin offered pearls of wisdom in prose and verse.
    Flavin Expounds
    Without doubt, the most essential portion of his discourse concerned the necessity of never offering the microphone of a Munchkin. It turns out that Dick has experience in this regard, having previously emceed an event which was attended by Mickey Carroll, the diminutive "town crier" in the 1939 Classic The Wizard of Oz". Having been introduced to the crowd by Flavin, Carroll stood and waved, but, owing to his lack of stature, was invisible to the great majority of the attendees. Exhibiting the magnanimity for which he is justly famed, Dick called Carroll to the dais whereupon he (Carroll) seized the microphone and launched into a schtick which threatened to hijack Dick's program. Like most highjackings, this one was resolved only with a certain, regrettable, quantum of force. Hence the advice. Don't say you haven't been warned.

    In Other News...

    Sox Pix Pick for Xmas;

    Present at the lunch were representatives from St. Johann Press, which has published a nifty book of Red Sox photos called Red Sox Review. It looks like a great Christmas present, and if you email David Biesel at St. J's and mention the BLOHARDS, he'll give you a special deal on it.

    One For the Archives;
    Bryne Powers, son of BLOHARD co-founder Jim Powers, recently endured the hours-long liquidation auction of a watering hole in Steamboat CO with the singleminded purpose of acquiring an autographed Caroll Hardy picture. Like the mounties, he got his man. In due course, we expect that the picture may make its way to the BLOHARDS' already-bulging archives. In the meantime you can see it here.

    Hardy, as has been often noted at our luncheons, is the only player ever to pinch hit for Ted Williams. He also pinch hit for Carl Yastrzemski. And Roger Maris. And caught 12 passes in the NFL. And was MVP of the Hula Bowl. To our knowledge, he contributed nothing to the search for the Higgs boson.

    Mark Your Calendars
    Trophy Party at the Yale Club. Friday, November 15, pending a couple of formalities.